(OLD BLOG) IT SHOULDN'T BE THIS HARD. 1/25/05

 When I wrote this in 2005...I had been in GA for 25 days and already...the GA dating curse...had begun. hahaha


IT SHOULDN'T BE THIS HARD
 Jan 25, '05 3:01 PM


LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SIMPLE. FILLED WITH LIL UPS AND DOWNS AND TRIALS AND PITFALLS. FOR SOME REASON..I'VE BEEN CURSED. I CAN'T SEEM TO HAVE A BASIC FRIENDSHIP BECAUSE THEY SOON WANT MORE. I CAN'T HAVE A FRIENDSHIP WITH ANOTHER MALE CAUSE OF JEALOUSY OR THAT COMPETITION SHIT. I MEET PEOPLE ONLINE AND THEY GET WAY TOO ATTACHED TO ME AND DON'T KNOW ME AND THEN I GET JUDGED OR CRITICIZED FOR SHIT I DO IN MY FUCKIN LIFE. 


I CAN'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT JEALOUSY OR INSECURITIES AFFECTING IT. I'M ALWAYS A GOOD CATCH BUT I'M ALWAYS THE ONE WHO'S BLAMED OR HURT IN THE END. I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF PEOPLE THINKING THEY KNOW ME OR PUTTING THEIR TWO CENTS IN ON THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO ADDRESS. I'VE BEEN HURT SO MANY TIMES ITS ABSOLUTELY INSANE AND NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I TELL PEOPLE..THEY EXPECT ME TO "LET IT GO" AND MOVE ON..BUT..THEY THEMSELVES ALWAYS USE THEIR PAST PAIN AS AN EXCUSE AS TO WHY THEY FUCK ME OVER AND TO MAKE SHIT MORE CRAZY...I, IN THE END, AM THE ONE WHO'S BLAMED BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO LEAVE THAT SITUATION BECAUSE I LOVE ME MORE THAN THE BULLSHIT.


WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT?????? WHY ME???????? I'M LOVED SO MUCH YET TREATED AS IF I HAVE DISPOSABLE EMOTIONS. I'M SUCH A GOOD MAN..BUT THIS GOOD MAN IS ALWAYS SHITTED ON. I SAID A WHILE BACK THAT I WASN'T GONNA BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT THIS SHIT ANYMORE BUT DAMN.....IT JUST WON'T STOP.


EVERYONE THINKS THEY KNOW ME AND NO ONE EVER ASKS ME WHO I AM, WHAT I FEEL. AND WHEN I TELL THEM THEY ARE WRONG..THEY TELL ME I'M WRONG...NOW WHO SHOULD KNOW ME? ME OR THEM...I VOTE FOR ME. AND BOY...HOW ANGRY THEY GET WHEN I TELL THEM THEY DON'T KNOW ME. I GUESS I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM AND I SHOULD LISTEN TO THE MASSES.


ITS CRAZY..I'VE MOVED TO A NEW CITY/STATE, WITHIN A WEEK, GOT A NEW APT. I'VE SURVIVED A NASTY LIL RELATIONSHIP, SNOW AND BULLSHIT. I CAN ACCOMPLISH JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT LOVE. THE ONE PART OF MY LIFE THAT SUCKS BIG DICK. I CAN'T GET A PERSON TO UNDERSTAND ME FOR SHIT. 


OH..AND IF ONE MORE PERSON SAYS THEY ARE SORRY TO ME AND THEN DO THE SAME SHIT, I'M GONNA FUCKIN EXPLODE. SORRY MEANS SORRY. SORRY DON'T MEAN SORRY FOR THIS MOMENT AND THEN DO IT AGAIN WITHIN TWO HOURS.


MAYBE ITS ME...MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BE HONEST AND REAL. MAYBE I SHOULD USE AND DOG AND LIE AND USE EXCUSES AS TO WHY I CAN'T DO SHIT. FUCK THAT. 


I'VE MET SOME ONLINE FOLKS OUT THERE THAT READ MY JOURNAL AND ASSUME THEY KNOW ME..WELL..THEY ARE FAR OFF THE MARK. YEAH..I'M SENSITIVE, YEAH..I'M CRAZY FOR PUTTING MY LIFE AND FEELING OUT THERE FOR ALL TO SEE. BUT TO REALLY KNOW ME...YA GOTTA LISTEN TO ME, UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK I'M SAYING, AND THEN...HERES THE BIG ONE..RESPECT MY FEELINGS. DON'T SHIT ON MY FEELINGS CAUSE THEY DON'T MATCH YOURS.


ANYWAY..I HAD TO VENT THAT OUT MY SYSTEM. I GET SO TIRED OF BEING SOMETHING I'M NOT OR BEING VIEW AS SOMETHING I'M NOT. I'M SO TIRED OF PEOPLE LYING TO ME JUST TO BE WITH ME. ALL THAT MEANS IS I'M KICKIN IT WITH SOMEONE WHO'S FAKE. ITS NOT REAL AND I THINK I SHOULD BE GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO KNOW WHO I DEALING WITH. ITS ONLY FAIR. WHEN A PERSON LIES ABOUT WHO THEY ARE JUST TO BE WITH ME..I KNOW THEY DON'T KNOW ME CAUSE IF THEY REALLY KNEW ME..THEY'D KNOW THAT I DON'T JUDGE. IF I LIKE YA..I'M DOWN FOR YA. MAYBE THATS A CONCEPT THATS HARD TO UNDERSTAND IN THESE TIMES OF MISTRUST AND LIES.


WELL..I FEEL BETTER. 


ITS NEWPORT TIME.