THE DEATH OF THE LAST "REAL" MAN.(The final Blog)

There was a time... way back in the memories of My mind.  A time when I was seen for who I am and respected because I was a "real" Man.  And then....

There was a shift... in My reality.

Funny, when I was 470 pounds, I found more pure and sincere love than when I lost half of Me and went down to 275.  I guess... whoever loved Me at such a size.. had to appreciate far beyond the physical cause... I was far more... "matter a fact-ish" back then.  Maybe it was foolish of Me to think that when My shell changed... nothing else would change except, I'd have a wider selection to pick from cause now.. those who wouldn't be with a Large Man... would now want to be with a.. "Thick" Man??

What was I thinking.

Can I blame it on the geographical theory?  or... blame it on the... its.. 2012 and folks just.. don't give a shit anymore theory?

What I do know... is that I keep seeing all these posts.. and all these comments... and hearing all these conversations about... wanting to find... a REAL MAN.  

Well... that is utter bullshit.  Its a.... cover. A... silent lie.

Women don't want a good man.  Women don't want a sensitive man. Women don't want.... a dude that's there for them.

See.. that Man...???  isn't a Man.  He's... a
"Trick".  A Toy.  A... instrument to be used and lied to and led on and... eventually... left in the dust.

Each time I've been dogged out.. and its been more than I dare speak since being here in GA,  I speak of My experience.. and how its... getting to be a bit too much to bear... and what do I hear???

"its the women YOU pick."

"YOU need to change your standards."

"It's YOU. It's YOU."

"if it keeps happening..it has to be.. YOU.. so have some ACCOUNTABILITY and realize its... YOU."

Never.. is it.. the female.  Oh..and the lovely often used... statement:

"Its the women you pick cause I am not like that".

And months later.. they do exactly what the others did.  Then.. it switches back to... Emanuel..its YOU!!!

See.. a woman gets dogged and she's a victim. She now has to right to retreat within herself and have all kinds of issues and STILL go out and fuck with NEW Men and complicate THEIR lives and when the shit hits the fan... they bring up the.... I got issues.. I'm a work in progress.. I need time excuse... and they expect all to understand.

When a man gets dogged.. its simple...

HE'S A TRICK.

Well... for the past 10 months... I was a fuckin.. TRICK.

Oh.. when I met her... she was a ride or die chick.  In the group I met her.. she's like.. the belle of the ball.  The all around sweetheart. The... funny, lovable... I'm down for My man type.  Cause.... that's what she projects.

And that.. is what drew Me into the web.

10months later.... I don't know who the fuck she says she is??? but I know who and what she really is...

A user.  A manipulator. A... type who never ever accepts responsibility.

Dogged... used in her past and I... the only one in years who ever treated her right.. and she fuckin did Me like a mob hit.

And get this...  Last dude got taken care of on all levels, and I didn't even get a 99cent birthday card on My birthday.  In fact.. I got cancelled on.  Oh.. and the rain check date.. cancelled.   But.. the I'm thinking bout the dick texts.. the... send Me a pic of your dick texts.. the.... bullshit comments on FB page to make it seem we soooo fuckin cool...  that didn't stop.  And when I called that ass on all this... what do I get..

I got issues E.  I'm withdrawn E. I'm bitter and am scared of love... E.

So.. why did she look Me in the eye and say...."I love YOU".  Not once. Not twice.. not.... twenty times... Many Many Many times.

And when I get upset... I... have issues???

I need to work on My attitude?

I.... have anger problems?

She cussed Me. She called Me out My name...  I never did that to her.

And if I were to speak this to others... I'd be the FOOL.  I'd be the.. IDIOT.  Cause...I tried to keep whatever that was.. alive???

Women do it and they are warriors.

Men do it.. and they are....

TRICKS.  Jump offs.  Fools. Jesters. Idiots. Too sensitive.

Yet.. when we get fed up.. then we are angry beasts. we have issues.. they are now.. afraid of us.... and fingers are poised over the 9 an the 1 and the 1.

I'm fed up on being fed upon.

So.. I give options. Be real or be gone.

As of yet.. nothing.  Cause you know what???  There is another on deck.  I  bet My soul on that.

Yet.. she still... lingers around.  Why?

And this.... is the norm. This.. is how it is.  I have had a woman come to My house.. stay some days.  I take her to the bus station and as we go there.. we make future plans.. and while on that bus ride.. she meets another.. marries him.. yet.. still calls Me.  Still misses Me.  Still wants to keep in contact with Me.

But not realizing the pain I went thru.

See.. that's the fuckin problem...

They can't even seeeee.  The pain.  The agony they put Me thru when I told them what I've been thru and they promised not to be that... chick.

And ultimately.. they do it.. but ten times worse...

and then... blame me for believing in them

and then... they walk away.

go on with their lives.

Like...it aint shit.

And it hurts

and I'm tired.

and I can't take this shit any more.

I'm at at that point....

where there is no point.

I'm at fuck it lane... and I just got out the car and walked away.

I'm done.

I hurt so bad.

and no one cares.

no one to talk to.

and the demons... oh... the demons that are talking in My head.

no one knows... 

I was doing so well.  Why did she have to fuck up My world???  Make My life fucked up like hers.

Well...  this has been a message from the last good man.  the last sensitive man. the last.... REAL man.

I can't do it anymore.

I'm done.

I can't get the pain to go away.

and it hurts soooo bad.

I can't even cry anymore.

Everyone thinks I'm this rock.  That I don't hurt. And when I say I do... I"m told to get over it.  To move on.

wow.

life is sooo fucked up.

Allah will take this pain away... cause its.. a pain given by man.  But until that time comes... i gotta deal.

and.... I'm not dealing well.