THE DEATH OF THE LAST "REAL" MAN.(The final Blog)

There was a time... way back in the memories of My mind.  A time when I was seen for who I am and respected because I was a "real" Man.  And then....

There was a shift... in My reality.

Funny, when I was 470 pounds, I found more pure and sincere love than when I lost half of Me and went down to 275.  I guess... whoever loved Me at such a size.. had to appreciate far beyond the physical cause... I was far more... "matter a fact-ish" back then.  Maybe it was foolish of Me to think that when My shell changed... nothing else would change except, I'd have a wider selection to pick from cause now.. those who wouldn't be with a Large Man... would now want to be with a.. "Thick" Man??

What was I thinking.

Can I blame it on the geographical theory?  or... blame it on the... its.. 2012 and folks just.. don't give a shit anymore theory?

What I do know... is that I keep seeing all these posts.. and all these comments... and hearing all these conversations about... wanting to find... a REAL MAN.  

Well... that is utter bullshit.  Its a.... cover. A... silent lie.

Women don't want a good man.  Women don't want a sensitive man. Women don't want.... a dude that's there for them.

See.. that Man...???  isn't a Man.  He's... a
"Trick".  A Toy.  A... instrument to be used and lied to and led on and... eventually... left in the dust.

Each time I've been dogged out.. and its been more than I dare speak since being here in GA,  I speak of My experience.. and how its... getting to be a bit too much to bear... and what do I hear???

"its the women YOU pick."

"YOU need to change your standards."

"It's YOU. It's YOU."

"if it keeps happening..it has to be.. YOU.. so have some ACCOUNTABILITY and realize its... YOU."

Never.. is it.. the female.  Oh..and the lovely often used... statement:

"Its the women you pick cause I am not like that".

And months later.. they do exactly what the others did.  Then.. it switches back to... Emanuel..its YOU!!!

See.. a woman gets dogged and she's a victim. She now has to right to retreat within herself and have all kinds of issues and STILL go out and fuck with NEW Men and complicate THEIR lives and when the shit hits the fan... they bring up the.... I got issues.. I'm a work in progress.. I need time excuse... and they expect all to understand.

When a man gets dogged.. its simple...

HE'S A TRICK.

Well... for the past 10 months... I was a fuckin.. TRICK.

Oh.. when I met her... she was a ride or die chick.  In the group I met her.. she's like.. the belle of the ball.  The all around sweetheart. The... funny, lovable... I'm down for My man type.  Cause.... that's what she projects.

And that.. is what drew Me into the web.

10months later.... I don't know who the fuck she says she is??? but I know who and what she really is...

A user.  A manipulator. A... type who never ever accepts responsibility.

Dogged... used in her past and I... the only one in years who ever treated her right.. and she fuckin did Me like a mob hit.

And get this...  Last dude got taken care of on all levels, and I didn't even get a 99cent birthday card on My birthday.  In fact.. I got cancelled on.  Oh.. and the rain check date.. cancelled.   But.. the I'm thinking bout the dick texts.. the... send Me a pic of your dick texts.. the.... bullshit comments on FB page to make it seem we soooo fuckin cool...  that didn't stop.  And when I called that ass on all this... what do I get..

I got issues E.  I'm withdrawn E. I'm bitter and am scared of love... E.

So.. why did she look Me in the eye and say...."I love YOU".  Not once. Not twice.. not.... twenty times... Many Many Many times.

And when I get upset... I... have issues???

I need to work on My attitude?

I.... have anger problems?

She cussed Me. She called Me out My name...  I never did that to her.

And if I were to speak this to others... I'd be the FOOL.  I'd be the.. IDIOT.  Cause...I tried to keep whatever that was.. alive???

Women do it and they are warriors.

Men do it.. and they are....

TRICKS.  Jump offs.  Fools. Jesters. Idiots. Too sensitive.

Yet.. when we get fed up.. then we are angry beasts. we have issues.. they are now.. afraid of us.... and fingers are poised over the 9 an the 1 and the 1.

I'm fed up on being fed upon.

So.. I give options. Be real or be gone.

As of yet.. nothing.  Cause you know what???  There is another on deck.  I  bet My soul on that.

Yet.. she still... lingers around.  Why?

And this.... is the norm. This.. is how it is.  I have had a woman come to My house.. stay some days.  I take her to the bus station and as we go there.. we make future plans.. and while on that bus ride.. she meets another.. marries him.. yet.. still calls Me.  Still misses Me.  Still wants to keep in contact with Me.

But not realizing the pain I went thru.

See.. that's the fuckin problem...

They can't even seeeee.  The pain.  The agony they put Me thru when I told them what I've been thru and they promised not to be that... chick.

And ultimately.. they do it.. but ten times worse...

and then... blame me for believing in them

and then... they walk away.

go on with their lives.

Like...it aint shit.

And it hurts

and I'm tired.

and I can't take this shit any more.

I'm at at that point....

where there is no point.

I'm at fuck it lane... and I just got out the car and walked away.

I'm done.

I hurt so bad.

and no one cares.

no one to talk to.

and the demons... oh... the demons that are talking in My head.

no one knows... 

I was doing so well.  Why did she have to fuck up My world???  Make My life fucked up like hers.

Well...  this has been a message from the last good man.  the last sensitive man. the last.... REAL man.

I can't do it anymore.

I'm done.

I can't get the pain to go away.

and it hurts soooo bad.

I can't even cry anymore.

Everyone thinks I'm this rock.  That I don't hurt. And when I say I do... I"m told to get over it.  To move on.

wow.

life is sooo fucked up.

Allah will take this pain away... cause its.. a pain given by man.  But until that time comes... i gotta deal.

and.... I'm not dealing well.

FAKE ASS REVOLUTIONARIES.

In Florida.. on a cold and rainy night.
A young Black Man lost his life.


And We yelled..


That ain't right.. That ain't right.


And to show.. this murder wasn't no good..


We wore our Hoods. We took pictures..in our Hoods.  We...posed...in our Hoods.


And we Marched. And we protested....


We wanted this murderer..arrested.


Then...out the shadows..someone had a solution.


ITS TIME.. FOR THE ...


REVOLUTION.


Oh yeah.. We gonna take a Stand.


We tired of the Injustices perpetrated on the BLACK MAN.


We tired of this...BULLLLL..SHIT.


And WE gonna FIGHT...until WE..Git...


Just..Us.


Wellll.. I've been standing on the Front Line.


And the only face I see... is Mine.


Where are those folks who posed in their Hoods???


Tellin folks what they shouldn't or Should...


Do?


Where are the Soldiers in this New Revolutionary Army?


Cause when I go to the Headquarters...


Its...just Me.


Waiting.  Waiting. Waiting.


But all I hear...


Is Silence...


But.. The Black Man is still a victim of Hatred and Violence.


Fake ass Revolutionaries.. with your Fake ass speeches.


Talking bout being on the Playing field..


but always in the Bleachers.


None of em gonna eva do shit..


Before you remember...


you already forget...


About the REVOLUTION.


And there will never be a solution...


Half you mutha fuckas too high to fight.


so... lets give up on this revolutionary shit..


Aiiight??


Its over.. so go back to your smokin and drinkin..


go back to your "comfortable" thinking.


That is.. till the next Outrage..


when all you fake ass Revolutionaries..


come out your Monkey ass Cages.


E.c. 20120613

THE POETRY HOE

This thing called poetry..


It..haunts Me.


As I lay in the bed..


Words swirling around in My head.


Sometimes it too much to handle.


My life.. so dark..


Poetry... My candle.


All around My house.. you'll find pages and pages.


Poems that will outlast... the ages


Even as I write this..I'm thinking of the next.


Always trying to do better than My best.


I even have a poem ready for when I meet GOD.


After I spit My flow..


He's gonna give Me that "I feel you" nod.


Poetry is like a disease..


I create a paragraph with just one sneeze.


But all these words falling in My Brain...


Like huge drops of rain...


And if I can't express Myself...


I'll go quietly insane.


But I keep on writing cause..that's all I know.


Poetry is My Pimp.


and I'm...


its Hoe.


E.c. 201209 05

FOUNDATION CRACKED

Maybe its my 6' 5” frame. Or the meaning of My name. Maybe its cause I've hidden feelings way too long. But I'm not that strong.

I'm not... that strong.

Maybe its because I always smile. Or..because I'll go that extra mile.  Maybe its because I try to stay positive..and avoid being negative.

Maybe its because I continue to give and give.

People seem to think I'm a rock..but they are so wrong..

I'm not that strong.  

I'm not that strong.

I get wet when it rains.

When I'm done wrong.. I feel great pain.

And if you look past the gleam in My eyes.. You see... My Soul cry.

Cause I'm not that strong.

I'm not.. that strong.

Maybe its because My lips stay silent.

They don't speak of My torment.

In silence I live.

Love and support.. I constantly give.

And instead of treating Me right...

this world... seems to treat Me wrong.

So I stand at the top of the Mountain and Proclaim..

I'm not that strong...

I

am

not

that

strong.

E.c. 201201 05

HIGH YELLA CRACK

4 in da mornin and I'm sittin in My car.


Wonderin.. where you are.


Hands shakin... vision blurry.


I need that fix... and in a Hurry.


Tappin on your window...


I got this watch to sell.


For just one touch.


For...just a lil smell..


Of that sexy yella thang.


that... sweet wet... poon..tang.


Walking in the darkness..


eyes wide as fuck..


If I could just kiss those lips...


give them nipples a suck.


Knockin at her door...but she won't answer.


I'm feeling sick.. this desire is like a cancer.


I try to stop... but I always come back...


to that sweet addictive...


High Yella Crack.


I just need to take My finger and dip...


get that sweet yella juice...on My finger tip.


Then rub it ... on My lips..


I got less than two dollars in the fuckin bank.


Haven't taken a  shower... My ass is startin to stank.


I need rehab...


cause self control???... is something I lack.


cause I'm addicted to...


that


High yella crack.


E.c. 20122*04

THE WRITING ON THE WALL (A Revolutionary Joint)

The writing has been on the Wall...
but We didn't read it.


Its like.. We didn't want to see it.


Now...all the sudden.. this world is fucked up?


All you had to do...


was Look up.


Cause.. the writing has always been on the Wall.


No one answered... when We made the call..


To pull up ya pants...and be a Man.


But all the warnings were like they were written in the Sand.


All washed away.


And now.. we are in the final act..
of a tragic play.


The Writing has been on the wall.


We can't say it wasn't there.


We just went on with our lives


like we didn't care.


Suddenly now..its a issue.


Watery eyes


boxes of tissue.


Now its time to teach our children the facts.


Time to wake up..


Time...to act.


Racism is alive and We...are the prey.


And if we DON'T READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL


It will always be...the way it is...


Today.


WAKE UP.


LOOK UP.


The writing...is on the Wall.


E.c. 20120325

ILLUSION OF THE BLACK-NESS

We still think our Skin...
will get us in..
That exclusive club of Races
But there's no membership card
for the Black faces.


Instead of coming together and finding a Solution..


We drifted off into an ... Illusion.


We've become relaxed.
Like its all good
Cause Men aren't riding horses
wearing White hoods.


The Hoods are still there..just locked away.
We still the same Coon today...
as we were
Yesterday.


But we are in an Illusion.
That we are just like them


And no matter how Many times We score..
We are NOT..going to Win.


Cause...we have...Black Skin.


Ready for the Revolution???


Another... Illusion.


How can you fight with your pants below your ass???


If the Revolution began today...you know how long it would last??


Less than a Day..


The Black Race would be wiped away..


And not even a History book would mention Us.


Cause we thought we became their equal when we began to sit in the front of the Bus??


Its all... an Illusion.


And We refuse to see..


We can stand at "that" Door all day...


But We will never...


Get a Key.


Be...cause...


They will forever see US as the "Suspect".


Which means we will never earn "their" 
respect.


That's why our Neighborhoods suffer from
neglect.


And that application you just put in...


will get stamped... "reject".


And we still think things are ok?


Its all...an Illusion.


and I hope we Wake the Fuck Up!!


one Day.


E.c. 20120321

THAT THING I DO (LUSTFUL CONTENT)

As I lay here in the aftermath of some deep penetration.  


Things I just did.. were beyond My wildest imagination.


As erect penis broke thru flesh and pierced the Mind...


Ohhh...that feeling was so sublime.


As We lost touch with Space and...Time.


Bodies shiny from Lustful Sweat..


Positions and secretions... so memorable, I'll never forget...


nor will I regret..


How I took it sooo deep...


As I type this...


She's...laying here alseep..


Smile on Lips...


My hand print.. on Hips..


Cause I penetrated her Soul...


Giving her the most memorable Fuck...


was My goal.


And I did what I "came" to do..


Now I'm waiting for her to wake up...


cause... I...ain't...thru.


E.c. 201203018

ODE TO MY FRIEND

I tried to write about My Friend.  I tried to...express how much I miss Him.


And I deleted all of it.


Cause... I can't take that emotion...and send it thru fingers to the keyboard.


My Best Friend is James Jackson.


And...I loved My friend as if we shared the same DNA.


And now...My friend is gone.


And honestly...  I still don't know how to...


deal with it.


Cause.. when someone is embedded in your heart and soul...


They may leave this world...


but...their essence.  Their.... energy..


still remains in the fiber of your Soul.


How foolish of Me to think he was immortal...and would never Die.


I guess... I was a fool.


I HAVE a Friend..  His name is James Jackson.


I wish Heaven had Skype.


Love ya Man.


See ya when I see ya.


E.

REBIRTH OF THE WORD

I'm a Poet with no words to write.

No Vowels...no Nouns

in sight.

Mind Blank of Rhymes 

and quotes

No paper for Me to take

notes.

My Mind blank like the 

Universe before the

Big Bang.

Like a Choir

without 

a 

Song to Sang.

I'm a Poet

without a

Soul

If I can no longer

spit the game..

I will lose

My 

Soul.

So..I take a breath

so Deep.

Stand at the Edge

of Darkness..

and 

take a 

Leap

Into the Depths

of 

My Mind

And if I allow

My creativity

to flow

I'm sure I'll find.

That no matter how

far from the 

Light I may 

Be.

That Wordsmith

that

Poet

Will forever..

Live in Me.

E.

The Fifth Letter

I can never 

Fail

I can only

get

better

Cause the Rhyme is

within

and to not

write

Is the ultimate

Sin

Cause..

I

am

a

Poet

E. c.  20120315

UR..BAN BLACK MAN

My feet...walk on Urban Streets.


Ghosts of the past...once walked this path.


Seeking to be understood.  


Back when this was a Neighbor"hood" instead of being...just the.."Hood".


Pop Locks and Beat box...


lil kids playing Hop scotch.


People laid on the couch..with doors unlocked...


Before our women were bitches.  


When neighbors helped neighbors and weren't called snitches.


We fought with hands and not with the trigger..


Didn't call each other nigga


I guess back then our Pride was bigger.


We fought so hard to get here...


now we don't remember all the tears..


that fell


Oh well...


We here now.  Even though many don't remember how.


Cause we got swag.  We walk with our sag.  We sell those fat ass dime bags...


And we die...for that "gang" rag.


And we think we made it?


This illusion we created.


Cause we still America's most Wanted.


No respect..cause we still a Suspect.


We need to find a solution..


Cause..My Peoples..


we ain't ready...for no Revolution.


Time to get out our DRUMS..and create a positive beat.


So we can go beyond...


these Urban Streets.


E.c. 02282012

INNER EMAN

I'm intoxicated. Scratch that... I'm inebriated.


So if this starts going awry...I've been drinking...so that's why.


So..on that note..let Me introduce you to something My Mind wrote.


One day I heard a voice.  This voice said I didn't have a choice.  It was time for Me to step out on Faith.  And if I happened to get tired...He will help Me keep My pace.


I had to go on a journey to a place I've never seen.  The skies won't be blue.  The fields...won't be green.


I won't see happiness and Joy.. I won't see the smiles of lil girls and boys.  I won't see the light of day or the darkness of night.  In fact...


What I'll see...I won't need the use of sight.


So...I started to walk this rough and dusty road. Recording everything in My mind...so this story can be told.


Eyes shut...but I could see.


Not things of this Earth...no buildings or trees.


What I saw....


Was what was inside...of Me.


Dark. Cold. Fear.


No faith at all...even though... GOD was near.


I let this ole World turn Me cold.


50.....but I looked a Hundred years old.


No smile on this face.  No hope for the Human race.  No love for Me or any other Man.  No dreams of the future...cause for the future... I made no plans.


I was walking... inside of Me.  Eyes closed...but I could see.


I was made of unrecognizable stone.


And I wondered...why I was all alone.


But...in this small space...I saw a glow.
And this glow..began to grow.


And what I saw...was Hope's flickering Light.  A lil bit of Day..when all around Me...was dark as Night.


And the voice told Me...to open My eyes...and walk toward the flickering Light..cause that's where Hope lies.


And next thing I knew...the light...wellll..It grew.  And soon I was surrounded by a light ....so magnificent...so..bright...


colored...the Bluest of Blue.


And with eyes no longer blind.  I opened My heart...I opened My mind.


I began to Love....all of Mankind.


Because GOD took time to let Me see...
the darkest, coldest, part of Me.


And that's not the Man...I am destined to be.


I am Greater than I ever knew.


Old Emanuel...has become


Emanuel anew.


Now I see...what I was Born to be.


Amazing.


Magnificent.


Wonderful...


E.


E.c. 20120802